Ho like a bro.

I'm sort of wired like a guy I think. Here's sorta how I do:

I find someone sexy I want. 

I get him because I'm the little bitch who gets what she wants. 

I hookup with him. If he's good I'll want to again, but no strings attached and no commitment shit. If he's just whatever, I'll be over it and probably stop responding to his texts. 

Other reasons I might stop responding to his texts: if he... mentions something about a relationship, says anything about me being a girlfriend, wants to hold my hand in public, wants to hang out with me the day after we just hung out, texts first every time and responds within a minute every time, always says how "sweet" or "beautiful" I am (I prefer funny cute or sexy), texts or calls multiple times in a row and keeps asking why I'm not responding, cuddles, is annoying, asks anything about how I feel about him, texts using emojis or excessive exclamation points / question marks, wants me to meet his family, um I could go on and on but I'm getting bored and I think you get the picture by now. 

I'm also sure there are plenty more ways I could relate to most guys over girls when it comes to hooking up and sex and relationships. But I have to go get drunk now. 

Xo bitchez. 

Winners. Not.

My bad for not posting yesterday. I need to get better at this bloglife. But here. I'll make it up to you (because I'm sure so many people missed me so much) with this winner of a post. Check out some of my favorite Tinderos I've come across! And yes, to protect their identities and save them any more embarrassment that they havent caused themselves, I blurred out the name and face, kinda. And if you even had to ask, maybe we aren't very good friends, but I definitely left swiped all these bros. No hesitation, well, after taking a screenshot.

I don't recommend making your Tinder prof pic one of you in jail. But hey, maybe some girls are into that shit (murderer, sex offender, felon, whatev)

Just lol. Nice photoshot work. But personally I don't hook up with guys who are into rainbows and flying otter things with laser eyes and light swords. That's just me.

I don't know why this picture exists, but I definitely was not curious enough to swipe right and ask him. 

Just fyi. The second photo this guy had was the exact same one but slightly more zoomed in. If that's your most flattering pic that you think will win you some ladiez, I don't even know what to say.

And then there's this one. I'm just afraid. P.S. His name was Spike…

Okayyyyy that's all for now, bitches. I'm sure I have more great screenshots on my phone somewhere that I'll share with you guys some other time. I'm gonna go Tinder now and try to find someone decent after re-living those guys^^

Tinder vocabulary.

Here's a basic vocabulary lesson for you bitches.

-Tinder (n.): the popular app used to find people you are interested in for friendship dating sex etc, by liking or disliking each person based on looks and a very basic description. If you haven't downloaded Tinder, we can't be friends. 

-Tinder (v.): to use the app Tinder; to swipe through various people on Tinder looking for someone good; to talk to someone via message through Tinder. I Tindered my troubles away. 

-Tindero (n.): a male Tinder user. I matched with the hottest Tindero last night! 

-Tinderella (n.): a female Tinder user. I'm basically an unpaid professional Tinderella. 

-Tinderho (n.): abbr of Tinder Whore; usually female, but probably could be male, Tinder addict. Someday I'll realize that it's maybe a bad thing what a fucking Tinderho I am. 

-Left-swipe / Swipe-left (v.): to reject a potential Tinder match, clicking the X signifying "nope" or physically swiping the person to the left side of the screen. Ew I left-swiped him without even thinking about it. 

-Right-swipe / Swipe-right (v.): to "like" a person on Tinder by clicking the <3 or to physically swipe the person to the right side of the screen. Oh he's attractive, I think I'm gonna right-swipe him and see if we match!

-Match (v.): to Tinder-like someone who likes you back. We obviously matched. 

Um those are the only words I can think of right now. They're the essentials at least. 

Liez.

I feel like it's totally expected for people to lie on Tinder.
Some guy friends have told me that they've met multiple girls who looked super cute in their Tinder pics, and either they were way old or majorly photoshopped because these girls were real unfortunate lookin in real life. I haven't experienced that with any guys, but I'm sure it happens with them too.
So maybe I'm just not very trusting, but I never believe anyone who starts a convo with some line like this (all real examples)…
"I've never done this before but I was wondering if you wanted to meet up…"
"You're the first girl I've actually messaged on this thing and…"
"Wow I can't believe I'm actually using Tinder, but you're the only one I've actually wanted to talk to…"
"Your profile is the only one that's really caught me eye…"
etc. You get the picture. Like uh I'm sure you've said that to at least three other girls today. And maybe if you're lucky, one of the other bitches is stupid enough to think that's a sweet line and she'll respond and blow you later.

Kids these days use Tinder.

Tinder is like the Match.com for the younger generation -- well I guess some older people might use it too… The hip and modern generation? Something like that. Like have you noticed how all the online dating websites feature grandparents and senior citizens in their commercials? I feel like they used to have hot young couples and that was the cool thing to do, meet someone online, how tech savvy and craaazay. No longer though. Now that shit is old news and for old out-of-touch-with-modernity people who haven't realized that now it's all about these apps. Like Tinder duh. An app where you can swipe yes or no based on looks alone, and maybe a few words to describe yourself. What more could you want! Maybe some alcohol. Imma go drink now. Drinking and Tindering is one of the most exciting and entertaining things to do, and if you haven't tried it, I strongly recommed that you do it now.

Pissed off.

Here's some shit that pisses me off on Tinder:

When a guy lies about his age. After we match and he's cute and we're talking, I get the feeling he isn't actually my age, and it turns out he's 19. 

When I get matched with a major hottie who ends up being over five thousand miles away from me. Like, that's not in my search radius, Tinder you idiot. 

When only unfortunate looking guys are showing up for an extended period of time. Sometimes I lose hope that there's anyone decent left in the city. 

When someone I realllllly want to match with doesn't immediately match with me. Maybe he hasn't seen me on his Tinder yet? (This had only happened like twice by the way, and both guys were almost celebs and a bit older, so I wasn't actually that upset)

I'm sure way more pisses me off but I can think right now. I'll go Tinder and maybe think of more to write. 

Awkward? Lie.

That awkward moment when..
You matched with some guy. You guys actually hang out, and he finds it legit weird that you guys met via some "dating app." He asks if you've ever met up with any other Tinder matches. You say, "I know, right! So weird. No, I've never met anyone, unless you count people I already somewhat knew and then just started messaging and decided to hang out!"
Yeah that's a big fucking lie!
You don't want this bro to think you're a ho.
That's what this blog is for though, to admit the things you'd get too harshly judged for if you said them in real life.
It would probably take some real hard thinking to figure out how many guys I actually have met via Tinder.
Maybe I'll try to remember some time when I'm really bored and have nothing else to do.

Curious.

I wonder what happens when you get blocked on Tinder?
I've blocked plenty of guys. Like when we match and they aren't as attractive as I first thought. Or if they're just way too obnoxious. Or are just pissing me off. Or if I get bored of someone. Or just becuase I might feel like it.
But I don't think anyone has ever blocked me. At least not that I know of? But I feel like their convo would disappear or something, like it does when I block someone?
Hmm.
Whatever.

Decoding secret messages.

Who else sees this way too often? 

The first time I saw this screen, I thought something must be wrong with the app. Like there's no way I've Tindered my way (mostly left-swipes) through this huge city I live in, you know?
But then I would make a larger radius. And new people showed up.
But I do still see this screen from time to time and I've come to a new conclusion.
Tinder is trying to tell me something. Well, something other than no new guys are around me and I may spend a little too much of my time Tindering.
I think maybe I need to move. Somewhere new and exciting. So I can get a fresh batch of Tinderos to mostly reject.
I'm not actually gonna move right now.
But I do need to go on more adventures or some shit.

Exciting Newz.

To all my fellow bitches and hos (if there are any reading this..)
I have some exciting news.
I've joined the world of Twitter.
@TheTinderWhore
^^Go follow me
I'll tweet and still blog.
I might be better at tweeting.
But I'm not positive.
Either way.
That's it.
xo.

Auto-swipe-left based on pics alone.

These are just a very few reasons for an automatic left-swipe:

Unattractive 

Younger than me 

Too old (like 10+ yrs older than me)

Only has selfies (unless wayy hot)

Only has mirror selfies

Has any mirror selfie w flash 

Has any selfie with pouty face (guys, you complain about girls doing that duck face thing, tinder has taught me that guys definitely do it too)

Only has group pics, like I have time to be a detective to find ya?

Bad body

Bad face
Has a kid

Only has one pic 

Looks gay (not that there's anything wrong with that, just not exactly what I'm looking for via tinder)

Appears short

Uses super outdated pics 

Doesn't know how to crop a pic 

Has the same pic like three times 

Has dick pic 

Looks emo

Has selfie while driving and making sideways peace sign 

Ummmm I'm sure there are way more I'll think of later. But that's it for now. And those were only based on the pics, I'll get to the description section no-nos some other time. 

Kbye, hope you dream about tinder. 

I swiped right for your friend.

How much of a total bitch would I be if I liked a guy (and obviously thus matched with him) only to ask him to set me up with a friend of his in his pics?

Don't worry. I'd only do that for a legit sexy man friend.

Bloglife.

Follow me on BlogLovin?

I want people to read my blog. How does whole blog thing work? Doesn't anyone care about my Tinderful life? I'll tell you such good stories. If you're a guy, you can learn how to Tinder and how not to Tinder. I'll win you the hottiez. If you're a girl, you can read some good shit, relate to me, also maybe learn some Tinder tips. Or maybe just laugh at what a joke my life is.
Peace Love Tinder

Feeling philosophical.

Do all guys message girls just asking for hookups? No. I know they don't, because I have multiple friends who have gone on legit dates with their tinder boys.

But no one from Tinder has ever asked me on a date. They just invite me over to "have fun" or something.

I only sometimes go. 

But do I just match with these hookup-minded guys and no datey boys? Or do I give off the vibe that I'm potentially slutty enough to sleep with you without even needing you to buy me dinner first? 

Maybe it's a mix. The hot guys I like (puh-lease, like I would right swipe for someone not attractive...I have standards) who like me back might not be looking for more than a hookup. And I might not be either. But at least offer to but me a drink or something so I can blame it on the alcohol. 

It's whatever though. I'm over it. 

Now I have to get back to Tindering, I'm not at home right now so there may be some newbs in my search radius.