Valentinder update.

Okay. So it's that gross holiday. And I didn't quite find myself a Valentine. I have like four newish Tinderbros who I've been talking to, and three of them sexted me today (my kind of romance). Two asked me to "hang out" tomorrow and one asked Sunday. I'll probably actually limit myself to only one this weekend. I def know which one is my top choice.

But still. It may have been nice to get drunk and hook up with some sexy man tonight. Instead I'm most likely just going to get drunk with my chocolates (from my mom ugh). 

It's all good though. I just avoided Facebook bc I have no need to see happy couples be all romantic and cutesy and shit. And I didn't go anywhere where I'd see too many obnoxious girls carrying roses or teddy bears or balloons (god what a fucking waste of money people spend on this day). And I'm actually excited about one of my tindermen. Hopefully we'll hang out tomorrow. I'll keep you bros and hoes posted. 

Happy vday. 

Go fuck someone hot. 

Or get drunk. 

Preferably both. 

Xo. 

Evolution of a Tinder Whore.

As time passes, shit changes. Let's reflect a bit on how I've evolved as a Tinder user (addict/whore/slutty-dgaffer?)...

When I first downloaded the app last year, I thought of it as a joke. I never met up with anyone in real life, that seemed wayyy too sketchy (ha! -me today). I only initiated convo if I had something sassily bitchy to say. I never tried to be totally mean to anyone, becuase I like to think I'm not a totally horrible person. But I definitely had my fun with heavy sarcasm that probably went over most of the Tinderos heads. I would push people to probably feel pretty uncomfortable until they often blocked me. Some guys - the attractive ones who I didn't purposely scare - would ask for my number or try to convince me to meet them. Eh. I'd maybe give my number and text for a little while. But soon I'd get freaked out about talking to some completely random guy. I definitely never made plans or followed up with any of the boys who wanted to meet up.
But things were also pretty different way back then. Tinder was still gaining popularity, a lot of people were just starting to use the app around the same time, and plenty of people still hadn't even heard of it. Guys didn't have the game the good ones have developed today. Conversations (the real ones, not my bitch-infused ones) were boring. No one even came close to wooing me the way some of them do now.

After a little while, maybe a few months of passive Tinder use, I got more into it. I only swiped the really hot guys right. I lowered my bitch vibe level (that shit can never completely go away.) I would get into some more interesting conversations with more interesting guys. I didn't freak out about giving guys my number. I decided it wouldn't hurt to meet some of these Tinderos. I had friends by now who were using the app and met up with some matches. It didn't scare me quite as much, I got over that fear. But I still always insisted we meet in a public place. I was into it when we had some mutual friends - it made me feel like it was less random and creepy. I also always thoroughly facebook- and insta-stalked the boys. I made them promise not to kidnap me. And I would tell a friend where I was going, who I was meeting, blah blah all that safe and responsible shit blah.

Time went on.

I thought maybe I was over Tinder.
That thought lasted about an hour.
What else would I be doing in my spare time? Where else would I meet any new guys? (Sidenote and potential future post: Where do people meet people if not on Tinder?!)

Last summer I really started getting my Tinder on.
My right thumb has developed redic swiping muscles.
I had built up a lot of contacts in my phone book with the last name "Tinder."
I started to prefer not to have any mutual friends with my Tinder boys.
I started meeting up and hanging out with guys, no big deal.
They all promised not to kidnap me, and so far, no one's broken their promise!
I stopped caring if we met in public. No need to waste time and money. I'll just go to the Tindero's place, whatever.
My friends don't know about the majority of my sexcapades with my Tinder boys.
I'm probably pretty stupid and irresponsible and reckless in my behavior.
Who gives a fuck though. It's worked out so far. I'm still alive and Tinderwhoring well.

Dgaf. Yolo. All that carpe diem crap. That's what life's all about, right? Mhm.

Ho like a bro.

I'm sort of wired like a guy I think. Here's sorta how I do:

I find someone sexy I want. 

I get him because I'm the little bitch who gets what she wants. 

I hookup with him. If he's good I'll want to again, but no strings attached and no commitment shit. If he's just whatever, I'll be over it and probably stop responding to his texts. 

Other reasons I might stop responding to his texts: if he... mentions something about a relationship, says anything about me being a girlfriend, wants to hold my hand in public, wants to hang out with me the day after we just hung out, texts first every time and responds within a minute every time, always says how "sweet" or "beautiful" I am (I prefer funny cute or sexy), texts or calls multiple times in a row and keeps asking why I'm not responding, cuddles, is annoying, asks anything about how I feel about him, texts using emojis or excessive exclamation points / question marks, wants me to meet his family, um I could go on and on but I'm getting bored and I think you get the picture by now. 

I'm also sure there are plenty more ways I could relate to most guys over girls when it comes to hooking up and sex and relationships. But I have to go get drunk now. 

Xo bitchez. 

Far away babe.

My fave sexy man friend from Tinder lives in Australia. I don't. That pisses me off. He's so yummy I just can't handle it. But I can handle it because I have to since I live thousands of miles away from him and there's not much I can really do about it. Tinder shouldn't have matched us just to tease me with something so lovely that I can't have.

Wah.

Guys. I'm the worst. I clearly have my priorities in the wrong order, otherwise I'd be making new blogposts on the regs. 

I'll try to make it up to you bitches soon. 

I'll write some juicy stories. 

Or something. 

Sorry. 

Don't hate. 

Just go Tinder while you wait for me to become a better blogger. 

Valentinder?

Fuckin Valentines day is in a couple weeks.

So I'm not a huge fan of this romantic bullshit holiday. Maybe because I'm always single and get grossed out by the couples around me being all cutesy, swooning over each other, buying and getting flowers and teddy bears and candy and heart things. 

But I think even if I had a Valentine, I'd be grossed out by that romancey shit. Like I'd maybe be down to go out with someone that night and then go play back at his place all night. 

But honestly, if someone ever sends me a teddy bear that says "I love you" when you press its heart, I may vomit on it. 

Maybe I should start hardcore tindering to find a Valentine. It would probably be way to desperate to write in my description "Wanted: sexy Valentine who will take me out and take me home, get me drunk, and do dirty things with me. No romance needed. The only Valentinesy part of this "date" is maybe I'll wear some red lingerie."

But maybe if I match with someone good I'll just tell them that anyway. 

Gotta rock that dgaf lifestyle, ya know. 

Bitchez look out. 

I might find me a Valentine this year. 

Valentinder much? 

But also don't be surprised if I write a blog post February 15 saying that my plan didn't quite work and I ended up staying home and getting drunk and eating chocolate all night. 

I'll keep you posted. 

Xo ho. 

More cuddle ranting.

Um I guess I'm posting this a little late but oh well, I don't think anyone was waiting up just to read my blog post of the day. But if there is anyone out there who cares that much about me and my tinderwhore thoughts, much love. 

So I'm thinking more about my post from yesterday. I think cuddling is just one of those topics I can rant and ramble about for too long. 

I don't want to come off like a total jerk here. I've decided I don't mind cuddling that much, but only when appropriate. Like during a movie, I'm down for some cuddles under a blankie. Or anytime I'm cold, you can warm me. As we're laying around or before we fall asleep, that's fine. 

It's just during sleep that pisses me off. Have you seen those bed comforters that say "her side" marked on like 90% of the cover and "his side" on 10%. Because that shit is false. In many cases at least. Like the strong majority of guys I've slept with, I'd say had cuddle lovin issues. They would cuddle me till I couldn't sleep, feeling claustrophobic and hot and gross and squished. I just want to breathe and have space at night, okay? I've not returned guys' calls because they've pressured me to hard to cuddle all night. (Okay that's a lie.. No one calls anymore but that sounded better than "I've ignored texts.." But I guess that's more accurate.) 

So basically, if I suffer through your cuddles all night, you must be doin something right or you must be that attractive, because I definitely don't suffer for just anyone. 

And to those jerks trying to win Tinderellas by writing some lame cheesy line about loving to cuddle, or suffering through sex just to get to snuggle afterward, I say BS. You prob do like to cuddle and just think girls do too. Or maybe most girls do, and I'm just the weird one. In any case, that line definitely won't make this tinder whore swipe right. 

Fuck cuddles.

Some gender stereotypes piss me off. Most I don't really care about and lots I laugh at. But there are a few...actually one in particular on my mind. 

Cuddling. 

"Girls just love to cuddle and snuggle and be all close and crap while guys just want to have sex and then suffer through the nighttime cuddles."

Um. 

What the fuck. 

I don't know about you, maybe I've just had bad luck, but in my experiences, guys are definitely the ones who prefer that shit. 

Or maybe I'm not a good girl and I just don't like that shit. 

But either way. Guys are definitely into it. 

Like I'm not about to give any numbers out here or anything, but I've slept with enough guys where I feel comfortable saying that statement and believing it. 

I don't mind falling asleep with an arm around me or spooning or whatever. But that doesn't need to last too long. Definitely not all night. I've tried pushing guys off me (Friends fans: Ross's hug & roll, anyone?) during the night and I've tried to roll away from snuggle monsters until I'm practically falling off the bed. 

Sometimes it keeps me up at night. Not like when I'm sleeping alone and thinking about this life problem, only when I'm in bed with a boy who needs to keep his cutesy touchy feely hands to himself. 

So whatever asshole spread the rumor that girls love to cuddle, in my opinion at least, was probably just some dude trying to hide the fact that he's the real cuddle-lover. 

I only enjoy cuddles with my puppy. 

I'm just a tinder whore who doesn't want to be cuddled. 

^^new tinder prof description? 

Do I give off a Tinder Whore vibe?

I know I've probably mentioned this before. But kind of continued thoughts based on yesterday's post...

Do guys just sense that I'm one of those girls who doesn't mind how inappropriate the convo gets and how quickly it gets there? 

Because I'd say the majority of all girls I know would not be okay with some guy talking about jerking off. They would immediately block the douche. And I'm not sure I know any girls who would even consider giving him their number. And then there's me. 

I swear I don't have anything at all written in my profile about me being a tinder whore or whore of any sorts (p.s. I may or may not have considered going to give the sexy guy a hand last night, and only maybe for some sort of payment in exchange for driving to him. Don't worry I didn't actually do that and I didn't even really consider it that hard, I promise I'm not a real whore.) 

None of my pictures are even slutty or that sexy really. 

And honestly. Most people I know or meet in person (like not via tinder) say I give off sorta goody good and innocent vibes (ha yeah that would be false) 

Well whatever I guess. Maybe some guys do just say inappropriate shit to every girl and just hope that eventually one girl will respond - boyz, if that's your game and you're waiting for me, you better be sexy. 

I don't know. 

Maybe I just need new friends who wouldn't judge me if they knew the real shit I did. 

Happening now..

Live update. A hot British actor just matched with me. He messaged me right away, which normally I'm not into, but I made an exception for a hot British actor.

This was basically our convo:

Hot British Actor (HBA): Hey how are you?

Me: Pretty good, how are you?

HBA: Good. What are you doing?

Me: Umm nothing exciting. I'm just laying on the couch in my sweats watching the Grammys and cuddling with my dog hah. What about you?

HBA: I'm really horny and am about to jack off. 

Hey, whatever, at least we were both honest. 

I gave him my phone number. 

Guys vs girls.

So I know this doesn't apply to everyone. But based on a good majority of guys I know versus girls, they tinder pretty differently. 

A lot of guys (especially the not super hot ones) swipe every girl right, just to see who likes them. Then if they match with some unfortunate looking girl, they'll block her or whatev. But I've talked to a lot of guys who do this, or at some point in their tinder life have done this. I've never heard of girls using this method of swiping all guys right just to see who likes them. But there probably are some girls somewhere who do this. 

I know plenty of guys who don't give a shit really and just say whatever they want if they decide to start a convo with a girl. Or some who maybe have some lame pickup line they use with each girl. And then there are girls. I'd say the majority of girls who I've talked to about tinder say they don't want to ever be the one who initiates the convo. Like really? Stop being such pussies. But don't be stupid either. I know plenty of guys who appreciate when a girl messages first, as long as it's a good message. 

Here's a little advice for both guys and girls who are brave enough to start a convo with a new match: 

- Don't IMMEDIATELY message the match. Like that just shows what little life you have. I'd say maybe give it at least a day. 

- But also don't wait weeks or months to message someone because that person has had more than enough time to talk to you if he/she really wanted to. 

- Be friendly or flirty or whatever you're goin for. 

- Don't be creepy and suggest meeting up right away. And def don't be gross or too explicit with what you want. 

- Don't be boring. If you really don't know what to say, everyone likes compliments. Or maybe say something based on your match's description. But don't be too cheesy and try not to sound like an idiot. 

- I'm sometimes a sarcastic bitch right away in a conversation with a new match, but I don't necessarily recommend this approach to everyone. Unless you're a pro sarcastic bitch. But if you don't know what you're doing, things will likely not end well. You have to be smart about it. 

Well. Those are all my helpful hints at the moment. If someone's hot, don't be afraid to message him/her. 

YOLO, ya know. 

K go tinder and find matches and talk to those sexy matches. 

Bye bitchezz. 

Winners. Not.

My bad for not posting yesterday. I need to get better at this bloglife. But here. I'll make it up to you (because I'm sure so many people missed me so much) with this winner of a post. Check out some of my favorite Tinderos I've come across! And yes, to protect their identities and save them any more embarrassment that they havent caused themselves, I blurred out the name and face, kinda. And if you even had to ask, maybe we aren't very good friends, but I definitely left swiped all these bros. No hesitation, well, after taking a screenshot.

I don't recommend making your Tinder prof pic one of you in jail. But hey, maybe some girls are into that shit (murderer, sex offender, felon, whatev)

Just lol. Nice photoshot work. But personally I don't hook up with guys who are into rainbows and flying otter things with laser eyes and light swords. That's just me.

I don't know why this picture exists, but I definitely was not curious enough to swipe right and ask him. 

Just fyi. The second photo this guy had was the exact same one but slightly more zoomed in. If that's your most flattering pic that you think will win you some ladiez, I don't even know what to say.

And then there's this one. I'm just afraid. P.S. His name was Spike…

Okayyyyy that's all for now, bitches. I'm sure I have more great screenshots on my phone somewhere that I'll share with you guys some other time. I'm gonna go Tinder now and try to find someone decent after re-living those guys^^

Is anyone (attractive) left for me to swipe right?

I don't remember the last new match I've Tindered with. And just so you know, that's because I don't remember the last guy I swiped right. Like seriously, did I go through all the attractive and even decent looking guys in this frickin huge city already? Does Tinder purposely put the better looking ones to go through first, so you don't immediately lose hope and delete the app? I'm not even kidding. It's been probably at least a week since I've swiped a guy right. And it's not as though I've only been on the app a minute here or there. It's how I spend my time when I'm bored, waiting for something, eating alone, chillin, in the car but not driving (for the most part..), laying down in bed, waiting for someone, sitting down, laying on the couch, standing somewhere, distracting myself from something "more important," keeping my mind stimulated while I'm also doing something pretty boring (I'm pretty ADD), etc. So you get it, right? There have been plenty of chances for me to see someone even slightly attractive. But I haven't. Ugh. Like this is getting ridiculous.

Gangbangasaurous.

Oh shit I didn't blog today. Um. Here. Pic of a guy (or two) I saw on Tinder. And I did NOT swipe right.

Tinder vocabulary.

Here's a basic vocabulary lesson for you bitches.

-Tinder (n.): the popular app used to find people you are interested in for friendship dating sex etc, by liking or disliking each person based on looks and a very basic description. If you haven't downloaded Tinder, we can't be friends. 

-Tinder (v.): to use the app Tinder; to swipe through various people on Tinder looking for someone good; to talk to someone via message through Tinder. I Tindered my troubles away. 

-Tindero (n.): a male Tinder user. I matched with the hottest Tindero last night! 

-Tinderella (n.): a female Tinder user. I'm basically an unpaid professional Tinderella. 

-Tinderho (n.): abbr of Tinder Whore; usually female, but probably could be male, Tinder addict. Someday I'll realize that it's maybe a bad thing what a fucking Tinderho I am. 

-Left-swipe / Swipe-left (v.): to reject a potential Tinder match, clicking the X signifying "nope" or physically swiping the person to the left side of the screen. Ew I left-swiped him without even thinking about it. 

-Right-swipe / Swipe-right (v.): to "like" a person on Tinder by clicking the <3 or to physically swipe the person to the right side of the screen. Oh he's attractive, I think I'm gonna right-swipe him and see if we match!

-Match (v.): to Tinder-like someone who likes you back. We obviously matched. 

Um those are the only words I can think of right now. They're the essentials at least. 

Liez.

I feel like it's totally expected for people to lie on Tinder.
Some guy friends have told me that they've met multiple girls who looked super cute in their Tinder pics, and either they were way old or majorly photoshopped because these girls were real unfortunate lookin in real life. I haven't experienced that with any guys, but I'm sure it happens with them too.
So maybe I'm just not very trusting, but I never believe anyone who starts a convo with some line like this (all real examples)…
"I've never done this before but I was wondering if you wanted to meet up…"
"You're the first girl I've actually messaged on this thing and…"
"Wow I can't believe I'm actually using Tinder, but you're the only one I've actually wanted to talk to…"
"Your profile is the only one that's really caught me eye…"
etc. You get the picture. Like uh I'm sure you've said that to at least three other girls today. And maybe if you're lucky, one of the other bitches is stupid enough to think that's a sweet line and she'll respond and blow you later.

Kids these days use Tinder.

Tinder is like the Match.com for the younger generation -- well I guess some older people might use it too… The hip and modern generation? Something like that. Like have you noticed how all the online dating websites feature grandparents and senior citizens in their commercials? I feel like they used to have hot young couples and that was the cool thing to do, meet someone online, how tech savvy and craaazay. No longer though. Now that shit is old news and for old out-of-touch-with-modernity people who haven't realized that now it's all about these apps. Like Tinder duh. An app where you can swipe yes or no based on looks alone, and maybe a few words to describe yourself. What more could you want! Maybe some alcohol. Imma go drink now. Drinking and Tindering is one of the most exciting and entertaining things to do, and if you haven't tried it, I strongly recommed that you do it now.

Pissed off.

Here's some shit that pisses me off on Tinder:

When a guy lies about his age. After we match and he's cute and we're talking, I get the feeling he isn't actually my age, and it turns out he's 19. 

When I get matched with a major hottie who ends up being over five thousand miles away from me. Like, that's not in my search radius, Tinder you idiot. 

When only unfortunate looking guys are showing up for an extended period of time. Sometimes I lose hope that there's anyone decent left in the city. 

When someone I realllllly want to match with doesn't immediately match with me. Maybe he hasn't seen me on his Tinder yet? (This had only happened like twice by the way, and both guys were almost celebs and a bit older, so I wasn't actually that upset)

I'm sure way more pisses me off but I can think right now. I'll go Tinder and maybe think of more to write. 

Edit lists.

You know how you can now categorize your Tinder matches.

For instance...

Group one. "Elite sexies"

Two. "Quite attractive" 

Three. "Decent looks and decent convo"

Four. "Met in real life"

(I wouldn't have an ug group bc why would I right swipe someone ug. And I block the creepers so they don't get a group either.)

Not saying that I categorize my men by looks, but maybe I do. 

I feel like I kinda have different categories of friends in real life too. The just aren't labeled explicitly. Like I have a small group of besties. Then I have a group where I can be more sarcastic and talk about sex and be offensive without offending them. And I have a group of acquaintences that are still okay friends. And then a group of acquaintences I'd wave to or smile at but not much else. And everyone else can go in the obnoxious last category since I can't block people in real life. Sometimes it would be super convenient to have all my friends labeled though, because every now and then I might forget someone's category and next thing you know I say something way too sexual and then they're the ones wishing for a block button. That's only happened a couple times though. I think. 

Sincere apologies.

I deeply apologize to you guys. I realized I lied in one of my previous posts. I said I'd never been Tinder-blocked. False. I have. It was in my early Tindering days, like right when I first downloaded the app. I was not at all trusting of it or anyone I talked to on it, so I never actually gave my number or met up with anyone throughout these early stages of my Tinder life. Instead. I was basically a bitch. I'd like to think I did it in a sassy or witty way. But that's just plain obnoxious to say about yourself.

I used to "like" someone and then just message them until they were so uncomfortable that they blocked me. And the convo did disappear. Like I would say how the guy reminded me of a male stripper I used to um use. Or I would make them feel really awkward about something they said or asked me about. And I think I may have talked about past sexual experiences going into way too much detail until they couldn't handle it any more. Then they'd block me. And I'd feel like I succeeded. 

This lasted only for a short time. Eventually, like probably the first time I matched with someone way sexy, I took the app more seriously. Thank god. Otherwise this blog would make me come off pretty badly. 

I hope you all accept my apology. 

Tired.

I'm too tired to Tinder right now. That's a sign of true exhaustion I think. Goodnight babes.

Hopes.

I hope I never run out of things to write about on this Tinder blog.

Brilliant idea, if I do say so myself.

So this is my idea. And I think it would be pretty awesome if it happened, but maybe way stupid too.
You know the movie Project X? It's pretty epic and if you don't know that movie, I suggest you watch it.. Basically, in order to have the craziest party ever, these friends post the address and party info on craigslist, fb, every social media site, whatev. And they get what they asked for, a fucking out of control party.
Now think if you and a group of friends (with good taste) had a Project X -type party, but Tinder-style. Like you all just mass-Tindered all your attractive matches saying where and when the party would be. The details are up for discussion. If you really wanted, you could just have girls invite all their Tinderos or all the guys invite Tinder-hos for a way off balance party with major selection for one gender. Or have both invite matches, and have your matches invite their matches (if you trust them) etc and basically just have a ridiculous rager with (hopefully) mostly attractive people who are all just looking to hook up.
Well don't you think that's a good idea? Yeah.
If I get invited to a Project TinderX Party, I may have to reveal my identity in order to get some credit for that shit.

Awkward? Lie.

That awkward moment when..
You matched with some guy. You guys actually hang out, and he finds it legit weird that you guys met via some "dating app." He asks if you've ever met up with any other Tinder matches. You say, "I know, right! So weird. No, I've never met anyone, unless you count people I already somewhat knew and then just started messaging and decided to hang out!"
Yeah that's a big fucking lie!
You don't want this bro to think you're a ho.
That's what this blog is for though, to admit the things you'd get too harshly judged for if you said them in real life.
It would probably take some real hard thinking to figure out how many guys I actually have met via Tinder.
Maybe I'll try to remember some time when I'm really bored and have nothing else to do.

Curious.

I wonder what happens when you get blocked on Tinder?
I've blocked plenty of guys. Like when we match and they aren't as attractive as I first thought. Or if they're just way too obnoxious. Or are just pissing me off. Or if I get bored of someone. Or just becuase I might feel like it.
But I don't think anyone has ever blocked me. At least not that I know of? But I feel like their convo would disappear or something, like it does when I block someone?
Hmm.
Whatever.