Evolution of a Tinder Whore.

As time passes, shit changes. Let's reflect a bit on how I've evolved as a Tinder user (addict/whore/slutty-dgaffer?)...

When I first downloaded the app last year, I thought of it as a joke. I never met up with anyone in real life, that seemed wayyy too sketchy (ha! -me today). I only initiated convo if I had something sassily bitchy to say. I never tried to be totally mean to anyone, becuase I like to think I'm not a totally horrible person. But I definitely had my fun with heavy sarcasm that probably went over most of the Tinderos heads. I would push people to probably feel pretty uncomfortable until they often blocked me. Some guys - the attractive ones who I didn't purposely scare - would ask for my number or try to convince me to meet them. Eh. I'd maybe give my number and text for a little while. But soon I'd get freaked out about talking to some completely random guy. I definitely never made plans or followed up with any of the boys who wanted to meet up.
But things were also pretty different way back then. Tinder was still gaining popularity, a lot of people were just starting to use the app around the same time, and plenty of people still hadn't even heard of it. Guys didn't have the game the good ones have developed today. Conversations (the real ones, not my bitch-infused ones) were boring. No one even came close to wooing me the way some of them do now.

After a little while, maybe a few months of passive Tinder use, I got more into it. I only swiped the really hot guys right. I lowered my bitch vibe level (that shit can never completely go away.) I would get into some more interesting conversations with more interesting guys. I didn't freak out about giving guys my number. I decided it wouldn't hurt to meet some of these Tinderos. I had friends by now who were using the app and met up with some matches. It didn't scare me quite as much, I got over that fear. But I still always insisted we meet in a public place. I was into it when we had some mutual friends - it made me feel like it was less random and creepy. I also always thoroughly facebook- and insta-stalked the boys. I made them promise not to kidnap me. And I would tell a friend where I was going, who I was meeting, blah blah all that safe and responsible shit blah.

Time went on.

I thought maybe I was over Tinder.
That thought lasted about an hour.
What else would I be doing in my spare time? Where else would I meet any new guys? (Sidenote and potential future post: Where do people meet people if not on Tinder?!)

Last summer I really started getting my Tinder on.
My right thumb has developed redic swiping muscles.
I had built up a lot of contacts in my phone book with the last name "Tinder."
I started to prefer not to have any mutual friends with my Tinder boys.
I started meeting up and hanging out with guys, no big deal.
They all promised not to kidnap me, and so far, no one's broken their promise!
I stopped caring if we met in public. No need to waste time and money. I'll just go to the Tindero's place, whatever.
My friends don't know about the majority of my sexcapades with my Tinder boys.
I'm probably pretty stupid and irresponsible and reckless in my behavior.
Who gives a fuck though. It's worked out so far. I'm still alive and Tinderwhoring well.

Dgaf. Yolo. All that carpe diem crap. That's what life's all about, right? Mhm.

Ho like a bro.

I'm sort of wired like a guy I think. Here's sorta how I do:

I find someone sexy I want. 

I get him because I'm the little bitch who gets what she wants. 

I hookup with him. If he's good I'll want to again, but no strings attached and no commitment shit. If he's just whatever, I'll be over it and probably stop responding to his texts. 

Other reasons I might stop responding to his texts: if he... mentions something about a relationship, says anything about me being a girlfriend, wants to hold my hand in public, wants to hang out with me the day after we just hung out, texts first every time and responds within a minute every time, always says how "sweet" or "beautiful" I am (I prefer funny cute or sexy), texts or calls multiple times in a row and keeps asking why I'm not responding, cuddles, is annoying, asks anything about how I feel about him, texts using emojis or excessive exclamation points / question marks, wants me to meet his family, um I could go on and on but I'm getting bored and I think you get the picture by now. 

I'm also sure there are plenty more ways I could relate to most guys over girls when it comes to hooking up and sex and relationships. But I have to go get drunk now. 

Xo bitchez. 

Happening now..

Live update. A hot British actor just matched with me. He messaged me right away, which normally I'm not into, but I made an exception for a hot British actor.

This was basically our convo:

Hot British Actor (HBA): Hey how are you?

Me: Pretty good, how are you?

HBA: Good. What are you doing?

Me: Umm nothing exciting. I'm just laying on the couch in my sweats watching the Grammys and cuddling with my dog hah. What about you?

HBA: I'm really horny and am about to jack off. 

Hey, whatever, at least we were both honest. 

I gave him my phone number. 

Guys vs girls.

So I know this doesn't apply to everyone. But based on a good majority of guys I know versus girls, they tinder pretty differently. 

A lot of guys (especially the not super hot ones) swipe every girl right, just to see who likes them. Then if they match with some unfortunate looking girl, they'll block her or whatev. But I've talked to a lot of guys who do this, or at some point in their tinder life have done this. I've never heard of girls using this method of swiping all guys right just to see who likes them. But there probably are some girls somewhere who do this. 

I know plenty of guys who don't give a shit really and just say whatever they want if they decide to start a convo with a girl. Or some who maybe have some lame pickup line they use with each girl. And then there are girls. I'd say the majority of girls who I've talked to about tinder say they don't want to ever be the one who initiates the convo. Like really? Stop being such pussies. But don't be stupid either. I know plenty of guys who appreciate when a girl messages first, as long as it's a good message. 

Here's a little advice for both guys and girls who are brave enough to start a convo with a new match: 

- Don't IMMEDIATELY message the match. Like that just shows what little life you have. I'd say maybe give it at least a day. 

- But also don't wait weeks or months to message someone because that person has had more than enough time to talk to you if he/she really wanted to. 

- Be friendly or flirty or whatever you're goin for. 

- Don't be creepy and suggest meeting up right away. And def don't be gross or too explicit with what you want. 

- Don't be boring. If you really don't know what to say, everyone likes compliments. Or maybe say something based on your match's description. But don't be too cheesy and try not to sound like an idiot. 

- I'm sometimes a sarcastic bitch right away in a conversation with a new match, but I don't necessarily recommend this approach to everyone. Unless you're a pro sarcastic bitch. But if you don't know what you're doing, things will likely not end well. You have to be smart about it. 

Well. Those are all my helpful hints at the moment. If someone's hot, don't be afraid to message him/her. 

YOLO, ya know. 

K go tinder and find matches and talk to those sexy matches. 

Bye bitchezz. 

Winners. Not.

My bad for not posting yesterday. I need to get better at this bloglife. But here. I'll make it up to you (because I'm sure so many people missed me so much) with this winner of a post. Check out some of my favorite Tinderos I've come across! And yes, to protect their identities and save them any more embarrassment that they havent caused themselves, I blurred out the name and face, kinda. And if you even had to ask, maybe we aren't very good friends, but I definitely left swiped all these bros. No hesitation, well, after taking a screenshot.

I don't recommend making your Tinder prof pic one of you in jail. But hey, maybe some girls are into that shit (murderer, sex offender, felon, whatev)

Just lol. Nice photoshot work. But personally I don't hook up with guys who are into rainbows and flying otter things with laser eyes and light swords. That's just me.

I don't know why this picture exists, but I definitely was not curious enough to swipe right and ask him. 

Just fyi. The second photo this guy had was the exact same one but slightly more zoomed in. If that's your most flattering pic that you think will win you some ladiez, I don't even know what to say.

And then there's this one. I'm just afraid. P.S. His name was Spike…

Okayyyyy that's all for now, bitches. I'm sure I have more great screenshots on my phone somewhere that I'll share with you guys some other time. I'm gonna go Tinder now and try to find someone decent after re-living those guys^^

Gangbangasaurous.

Oh shit I didn't blog today. Um. Here. Pic of a guy (or two) I saw on Tinder. And I did NOT swipe right.