Valentinder update.

Okay. So it's that gross holiday. And I didn't quite find myself a Valentine. I have like four newish Tinderbros who I've been talking to, and three of them sexted me today (my kind of romance). Two asked me to "hang out" tomorrow and one asked Sunday. I'll probably actually limit myself to only one this weekend. I def know which one is my top choice.

But still. It may have been nice to get drunk and hook up with some sexy man tonight. Instead I'm most likely just going to get drunk with my chocolates (from my mom ugh). 

It's all good though. I just avoided Facebook bc I have no need to see happy couples be all romantic and cutesy and shit. And I didn't go anywhere where I'd see too many obnoxious girls carrying roses or teddy bears or balloons (god what a fucking waste of money people spend on this day). And I'm actually excited about one of my tindermen. Hopefully we'll hang out tomorrow. I'll keep you bros and hoes posted. 

Happy vday. 

Go fuck someone hot. 

Or get drunk. 

Preferably both. 

Xo. 

Ho like a bro.

I'm sort of wired like a guy I think. Here's sorta how I do:

I find someone sexy I want. 

I get him because I'm the little bitch who gets what she wants. 

I hookup with him. If he's good I'll want to again, but no strings attached and no commitment shit. If he's just whatever, I'll be over it and probably stop responding to his texts. 

Other reasons I might stop responding to his texts: if he... mentions something about a relationship, says anything about me being a girlfriend, wants to hold my hand in public, wants to hang out with me the day after we just hung out, texts first every time and responds within a minute every time, always says how "sweet" or "beautiful" I am (I prefer funny cute or sexy), texts or calls multiple times in a row and keeps asking why I'm not responding, cuddles, is annoying, asks anything about how I feel about him, texts using emojis or excessive exclamation points / question marks, wants me to meet his family, um I could go on and on but I'm getting bored and I think you get the picture by now. 

I'm also sure there are plenty more ways I could relate to most guys over girls when it comes to hooking up and sex and relationships. But I have to go get drunk now. 

Xo bitchez. 

Valentinder?

Fuckin Valentines day is in a couple weeks.

So I'm not a huge fan of this romantic bullshit holiday. Maybe because I'm always single and get grossed out by the couples around me being all cutesy, swooning over each other, buying and getting flowers and teddy bears and candy and heart things. 

But I think even if I had a Valentine, I'd be grossed out by that romancey shit. Like I'd maybe be down to go out with someone that night and then go play back at his place all night. 

But honestly, if someone ever sends me a teddy bear that says "I love you" when you press its heart, I may vomit on it. 

Maybe I should start hardcore tindering to find a Valentine. It would probably be way to desperate to write in my description "Wanted: sexy Valentine who will take me out and take me home, get me drunk, and do dirty things with me. No romance needed. The only Valentinesy part of this "date" is maybe I'll wear some red lingerie."

But maybe if I match with someone good I'll just tell them that anyway. 

Gotta rock that dgaf lifestyle, ya know. 

Bitchez look out. 

I might find me a Valentine this year. 

Valentinder much? 

But also don't be surprised if I write a blog post February 15 saying that my plan didn't quite work and I ended up staying home and getting drunk and eating chocolate all night. 

I'll keep you posted. 

Xo ho. 

More cuddle ranting.

Um I guess I'm posting this a little late but oh well, I don't think anyone was waiting up just to read my blog post of the day. But if there is anyone out there who cares that much about me and my tinderwhore thoughts, much love. 

So I'm thinking more about my post from yesterday. I think cuddling is just one of those topics I can rant and ramble about for too long. 

I don't want to come off like a total jerk here. I've decided I don't mind cuddling that much, but only when appropriate. Like during a movie, I'm down for some cuddles under a blankie. Or anytime I'm cold, you can warm me. As we're laying around or before we fall asleep, that's fine. 

It's just during sleep that pisses me off. Have you seen those bed comforters that say "her side" marked on like 90% of the cover and "his side" on 10%. Because that shit is false. In many cases at least. Like the strong majority of guys I've slept with, I'd say had cuddle lovin issues. They would cuddle me till I couldn't sleep, feeling claustrophobic and hot and gross and squished. I just want to breathe and have space at night, okay? I've not returned guys' calls because they've pressured me to hard to cuddle all night. (Okay that's a lie.. No one calls anymore but that sounded better than "I've ignored texts.." But I guess that's more accurate.) 

So basically, if I suffer through your cuddles all night, you must be doin something right or you must be that attractive, because I definitely don't suffer for just anyone. 

And to those jerks trying to win Tinderellas by writing some lame cheesy line about loving to cuddle, or suffering through sex just to get to snuggle afterward, I say BS. You prob do like to cuddle and just think girls do too. Or maybe most girls do, and I'm just the weird one. In any case, that line definitely won't make this tinder whore swipe right. 

Fuck cuddles.

Some gender stereotypes piss me off. Most I don't really care about and lots I laugh at. But there are a few...actually one in particular on my mind. 

Cuddling. 

"Girls just love to cuddle and snuggle and be all close and crap while guys just want to have sex and then suffer through the nighttime cuddles."

Um. 

What the fuck. 

I don't know about you, maybe I've just had bad luck, but in my experiences, guys are definitely the ones who prefer that shit. 

Or maybe I'm not a good girl and I just don't like that shit. 

But either way. Guys are definitely into it. 

Like I'm not about to give any numbers out here or anything, but I've slept with enough guys where I feel comfortable saying that statement and believing it. 

I don't mind falling asleep with an arm around me or spooning or whatever. But that doesn't need to last too long. Definitely not all night. I've tried pushing guys off me (Friends fans: Ross's hug & roll, anyone?) during the night and I've tried to roll away from snuggle monsters until I'm practically falling off the bed. 

Sometimes it keeps me up at night. Not like when I'm sleeping alone and thinking about this life problem, only when I'm in bed with a boy who needs to keep his cutesy touchy feely hands to himself. 

So whatever asshole spread the rumor that girls love to cuddle, in my opinion at least, was probably just some dude trying to hide the fact that he's the real cuddle-lover. 

I only enjoy cuddles with my puppy. 

I'm just a tinder whore who doesn't want to be cuddled. 

^^new tinder prof description? 

Guys vs girls.

So I know this doesn't apply to everyone. But based on a good majority of guys I know versus girls, they tinder pretty differently. 

A lot of guys (especially the not super hot ones) swipe every girl right, just to see who likes them. Then if they match with some unfortunate looking girl, they'll block her or whatev. But I've talked to a lot of guys who do this, or at some point in their tinder life have done this. I've never heard of girls using this method of swiping all guys right just to see who likes them. But there probably are some girls somewhere who do this. 

I know plenty of guys who don't give a shit really and just say whatever they want if they decide to start a convo with a girl. Or some who maybe have some lame pickup line they use with each girl. And then there are girls. I'd say the majority of girls who I've talked to about tinder say they don't want to ever be the one who initiates the convo. Like really? Stop being such pussies. But don't be stupid either. I know plenty of guys who appreciate when a girl messages first, as long as it's a good message. 

Here's a little advice for both guys and girls who are brave enough to start a convo with a new match: 

- Don't IMMEDIATELY message the match. Like that just shows what little life you have. I'd say maybe give it at least a day. 

- But also don't wait weeks or months to message someone because that person has had more than enough time to talk to you if he/she really wanted to. 

- Be friendly or flirty or whatever you're goin for. 

- Don't be creepy and suggest meeting up right away. And def don't be gross or too explicit with what you want. 

- Don't be boring. If you really don't know what to say, everyone likes compliments. Or maybe say something based on your match's description. But don't be too cheesy and try not to sound like an idiot. 

- I'm sometimes a sarcastic bitch right away in a conversation with a new match, but I don't necessarily recommend this approach to everyone. Unless you're a pro sarcastic bitch. But if you don't know what you're doing, things will likely not end well. You have to be smart about it. 

Well. Those are all my helpful hints at the moment. If someone's hot, don't be afraid to message him/her. 

YOLO, ya know. 

K go tinder and find matches and talk to those sexy matches. 

Bye bitchezz. 

Gangbangasaurous.

Oh shit I didn't blog today. Um. Here. Pic of a guy (or two) I saw on Tinder. And I did NOT swipe right.

Tinder vocabulary.

Here's a basic vocabulary lesson for you bitches.

-Tinder (n.): the popular app used to find people you are interested in for friendship dating sex etc, by liking or disliking each person based on looks and a very basic description. If you haven't downloaded Tinder, we can't be friends. 

-Tinder (v.): to use the app Tinder; to swipe through various people on Tinder looking for someone good; to talk to someone via message through Tinder. I Tindered my troubles away. 

-Tindero (n.): a male Tinder user. I matched with the hottest Tindero last night! 

-Tinderella (n.): a female Tinder user. I'm basically an unpaid professional Tinderella. 

-Tinderho (n.): abbr of Tinder Whore; usually female, but probably could be male, Tinder addict. Someday I'll realize that it's maybe a bad thing what a fucking Tinderho I am. 

-Left-swipe / Swipe-left (v.): to reject a potential Tinder match, clicking the X signifying "nope" or physically swiping the person to the left side of the screen. Ew I left-swiped him without even thinking about it. 

-Right-swipe / Swipe-right (v.): to "like" a person on Tinder by clicking the <3 or to physically swipe the person to the right side of the screen. Oh he's attractive, I think I'm gonna right-swipe him and see if we match!

-Match (v.): to Tinder-like someone who likes you back. We obviously matched. 

Um those are the only words I can think of right now. They're the essentials at least. 

Liez.

I feel like it's totally expected for people to lie on Tinder.
Some guy friends have told me that they've met multiple girls who looked super cute in their Tinder pics, and either they were way old or majorly photoshopped because these girls were real unfortunate lookin in real life. I haven't experienced that with any guys, but I'm sure it happens with them too.
So maybe I'm just not very trusting, but I never believe anyone who starts a convo with some line like this (all real examples)…
"I've never done this before but I was wondering if you wanted to meet up…"
"You're the first girl I've actually messaged on this thing and…"
"Wow I can't believe I'm actually using Tinder, but you're the only one I've actually wanted to talk to…"
"Your profile is the only one that's really caught me eye…"
etc. You get the picture. Like uh I'm sure you've said that to at least three other girls today. And maybe if you're lucky, one of the other bitches is stupid enough to think that's a sweet line and she'll respond and blow you later.

Brilliant idea, if I do say so myself.

So this is my idea. And I think it would be pretty awesome if it happened, but maybe way stupid too.
You know the movie Project X? It's pretty epic and if you don't know that movie, I suggest you watch it.. Basically, in order to have the craziest party ever, these friends post the address and party info on craigslist, fb, every social media site, whatev. And they get what they asked for, a fucking out of control party.
Now think if you and a group of friends (with good taste) had a Project X -type party, but Tinder-style. Like you all just mass-Tindered all your attractive matches saying where and when the party would be. The details are up for discussion. If you really wanted, you could just have girls invite all their Tinderos or all the guys invite Tinder-hos for a way off balance party with major selection for one gender. Or have both invite matches, and have your matches invite their matches (if you trust them) etc and basically just have a ridiculous rager with (hopefully) mostly attractive people who are all just looking to hook up.
Well don't you think that's a good idea? Yeah.
If I get invited to a Project TinderX Party, I may have to reveal my identity in order to get some credit for that shit.